


Group Chat

by FairyChess, SoDoRoses (FairyChess)



Series: LAOFT Extras [90]
Category: Cartoon Therapy (Web Series), Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Discussion of Homicide, Fluff, Group Chat Fic, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, M/M, Memes, Text Format, Texting, Vandalism, golly i hope this is as funny as i think it is, like .2 seconds of angst but mostly memes, mentions of animal death, these tags make it sound so dodgy i promise its still just memey lol, yes you did read that last character tag correctly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-25 09:48:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22254181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FairyChess/pseuds/FairyChess, https://archiveofourown.org/users/FairyChess/pseuds/SoDoRoses
Summary: Virgil would like to go on the record to say he does not eat humans, thanks so very much.If everyone could calm down, that’d be swell.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Elliott (Cartoon Therapy), Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Sleep | Remy Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton, Corbin/Sloane (Cartoon Therapy), Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders, Everyone & Everyone, Logic | Logan Sanders & Thomas Sanders
Series: LAOFT Extras [90]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1365505
Comments: 201
Kudos: 859





	1. dont freak out

**Author's Note:**

> for the prompt:
> 
> "id love to see a loaft groupchat!! maybe with virgil getting way too excited over emoticons and overusing ;) in really inappropriate situations and patton being a soft boi TM and thomas would probably end up blocking them for flirting too much because excuse you, roman, but that is my brOTHER meanwhile logan is dying of embarrassment" (from Sorry I Accidentally Deleted The Original Prompt And Dont Remember Your Username)
> 
> This is canon but don’t take it too seriously, theres next to no plot here just some adolescent dorkage. Starts about a week after _Loyalty_
> 
> I’ll probably add chapters to this in between other oneshots - feel free to send groupchat specific prompts
> 
> also, in keeping with the vein of “dont take it too seriously” we’re gonna say that usernames work by default as a “you may call me”
> 
> thank you to [@trivia-goddess](trivia-goddess.tumblr.com) for beta-reading, in spite of the oddball format!
> 
> also i couldn’t sleep so yall get this at old-person-time-of-morning
> 
> A guide to the usernames:
> 
> Virgil - spinnenprinz  
> Patton - Goldilocks  
> Roman - Bitchcraft  
> Logan - Berry
> 
> Thomas - Bug  
> Remy - illsleepwhenimdead  
> Emile - CrystalGemile  
> Kai - Kaiserroll  
> Sloane - IfLostReturnToCorbie<3  
> Corbin - ImCorbieUnfortunately

_Bitchcraft_ added _Berry, Bug, CrystalGemile, Goldilocks, IfLostReturnToCorbie <3, illsleepwhenimdead, ImCorbieUnfortunately, _and _Kaiserroll_ to the group chat

_Bitchcraft_ named the group chat _dont freak out_

Kaiserroll: u literally couldnt have picked a more freak-out-y name gage

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: Oh gosh why are we not freaking out???

_ImCorbieUnfortunately_ has left _dont freak out_

_Bitchcraft_ has added _ImCorbieUnfortunately_ to _dont freak out_

Bitchcraft: no dice hudkins you can’t leave

ImCorbieUnfortunately: absolutely not

ImCorbieUnfortunately: I dunno what crazy shit youre trying to drag me into now but I am out

_ImCorbieUnfortunately_ has left _dont freak out_

_IfLostReturnToCorbie <3_ has added _ImCorbieUnfortunately_ to _dont freak out_

ImCorbieUnfortunately: babe???

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: don’t leave me by myself :(

ImCorbieUnfortunately:… okay fine

illsleepwhenimdead: whipped.jpeg

ImCorbieUnfortunately: oh shove it adams

CrystalGemile: hey! play nice!

Goldilocks: you shouldnt be mean!

CrystalGemile: slakdalkj same hat!!!

Goldilocks: !!! 💗

Kaiserroll: oh fuck that we canNOT have Patton and Emile in the same group chat

Kaiserroll: i’ll owe quickel my whole college fund from all the cavities

Bug: Roman why did you make this group chat?

_Bitchcraft_ is typing…

_Bitchcraft_ is typing…

Kaiserroll: yep, i’m officially freaking out

Berry: Please relax.

Bug: Berryyyyyyy I miss you.

Berry: I left an hour ago.

Bug: which is like a century in miss-my-brother time

Berry: Ah, I see.

Berry: A perfectly logical conclusion /s

Kaiserroll: asaslkjasd WHAT THE FUCK

_Several people_ are typing…

Goldilocks: i KNOW isn’t it cute!!!

Kaiserroll: since fucking WHEN can u use sarcasm???

ImCorbieUnfortunately: what the hell

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: logan that’s so COOL

Berry: :)

Bug: neat trick right?

Berry: It is somewhat cumbersome, as I have to type the tag first and then go back, but I will admit the satisfaction is worth the corresponding effort.

Kaiserroll: well shit

Kaiserroll: I thought u were sassy before ur gonna be fucking unbearable now

Berry: Deal.

Berry: Back to the matter at hand. Thomas asked you the purpose of the group chat, dear?

Kaiserroll: *vomiting noises *

Berry: DEAL, Kai.

Berry: Roman?

Bitchcraft: hey so kai, remember how you came over to my house last week

_Kaiserroll_ is typing…

Kaiserroll: yeah

ImCorbieUnfortunately: that was a long ass pause for one word

Kaiserroll: shut up

Bitchcraft: and you kinda freaked out

Kaiserroll: I did NOT

Bitchcraft: you hid behind Logan for like an hour

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: Kai, hiding???

ImCorbieUnfortunately: we’re talking about the same guy right

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: no regard for his own safety

ImCorbieUnfortunately: does things like ASSAULT TEACHERS

Kaiserroll: eat pavement hudkins

Bitchcraft: heres the thing

Bitchcraft: youre all our friends, and I just think this is a good way to get yall to calm down about this.

_Kaiserroll_ has left _dont freak out_

_Berry_ added _Kaiserroll_ to _dont freak out_

_Kaiserroll_ has left _dont freak out_

_Berry_ added _Kaiserroll_ to _dont freak out_

Berry: You are being melodramatic.

ImCorbieUnfortunately: is ANYBODY gonna actually explain whats going on here

_Bitchcraft_ has added _spinnenprinz_ to _dont freak out_

_Kaiserroll_ has left _dont freak out_

_Goldilocks_ added _Kaiserroll_ to _dont freak out_

Goldilocks: i think it might be a good idea if we all just calmed down a tad!

Goldilocks: honey, can you say hi?

_spinnenprinz_ is typing…

spinnenprinz: helo

spinnenprinz: *hello

spinnenprinz: phones are stupid

Bitchcraft: what an opener babe

spinnenprinz: :P

Kaiserroll: am I having a stroke

Berry: Most likely not.

Kaiserroll: Thanks L real helpful

illsleepwhenimdead: you made a group chat to get us used to your terrifying immortal bf

spinnenprinz: ‘terrifying immortal bf’ can read jsyk

illsleepwhenimdead: and you know text speak apparently

spinnenprinz: I learn quikly

spinnenprinz: *quickly

Berry: Are you still having difficulty with the touch screen, dear?

spinnenprinz: i’m getting used to it. it’ll be fine

Goldilocks: youre so CUTE typing on the little screen

spinnenprinz: i’m not cute

Berry: Falsehood.

Bitchcraft: total bullshit

Berry: You are objectively very cute.

Goldilocks: yup, no takebacks!

Bug: Pat aren’t you and bruderspinne in the same place right now? Whyd you say it in the chat?

Goldilocks: well yeah but I wanted to tell yaasertyui

Bug: Pat???

Berry: @Goldilocks What happened???

_Goldilocks_ is typing…

Goldilocks: he says, and im quoting, “@Bug 💜 🦗”

Goldilocks: I think you startled him kiddo

illsleepwhenimdead: quoting???

illsleepwhenimdead: you’re telling me the lord of forest said “at bug purple heart grasshopper” out loud

spinnenprinz: its a cricket

Bug: ??? why a cricket???

spinnenprinz: ? isn’t it obvious?

Bug: alskjd NO its not 😂

CrystalGemile: well its nice to meet you spinnenprinz!

spinnenprinz: we’ve met

spinnenprinz: I think

spinnenprinz: you’re pat’s friend with the pink hair right?

spinnenprinz: the moonshiner’s lover?

Kaiserroll: ALKJSDF

ImCorbieUnfortunately: omfg

Bitchcraft: alkjfds Pat babe please kiss him for me

Kaiserroll: changed my mind I refuse to leave this group chat ever

spinnenprinz: what di I say?

spinnenprinz: *did

Berry: I am as confused as you are.

Berry: Were we not supposed to talk about it? They are dating.

Bug: omg everybody calm down

Bug: @spinnenprinz nobody says lover anymore, they say boyfriend, remember?

spinnenprinz: ah

spinnenprinz: the moonshiners bf then

Kaiserroll: somehow even BETTER

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: K ur so MEAN

CrystalGemile: that’s me! 😅

CrystalGemile: I just figured you wouldnt remember me was all

spinnenprinz: I remember you did pat’s makeup and I am definitely not going to ever forget it

Bitchcraft: it was a tall order to enhance our stunning goldilocks from his already perfect appearance but yes you did deliver

Berry: Yes, you looked lovely @Goldilocks 💙

Kaiserroll: gayyyyyyy

Bitchcraft: i should certainly hope so

spinnenprinz: keep going, he’s blushing very pretty

Goldilocks: do NOT i’ll diiiiiiie

Goldilocks: 💗💗💗

Goldilocks: gosh ilysm!!!

Kaiserroll: this is nauseating

Kaiserroll: @IfLostReturnToCorbie<3 @ImCorbieUnfortunately thank u for not inflicting grossness on me

ImCorbieUnfortunately: @IfLostReturnToCorbie<3 wanna make out?

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: absolutely do I ever

Kaiserroll: you fucking traitor

ImCorbieUnfortunately: I owe you no loyalty

spinnenprinz: I like this one

ImCorbieUnfortunately: well thats not petrifying at all

_spinnenprinz_ is typing…

_spinnenprinz_ is typing…

ImCorbieUnfortunately: hey, sorry. kind of a shitty joke, i shouldnt have said that

_spinnenprinz_ is typing…

spinnenprinz: it’ll be fine

Kaiserroll: oh fuck that actually

ImCorbieUnfortunately: don’t even atwell

Kaiserroll: nope im calling bullshit

Kaiserroll: u think I go to school with L for twelve fucking years and can’t spot a good neighbor being dodgy as hell?

Kaiserroll: cough it up

Berry: How about you leave him alone, instead?

Berry: I’d much prefer that course of action.

spinnenprinz: it’s fine L I don’t mind.

spinnenprinz: give me a minute

_spinnenprinz_ is typing…

spinnenprinz: Ro actually made the group chat because I asked him to. i’m not exactly expecting us all to be the best of friends but you are my loves friends, and I would like if we could be in the same room without all of you acting like i’m going to eat you

spinnenprinz: which im not, btw, if that’s somehow not clear. i have never eaten a human, it sounds gross.

CrystalGemile: !!! omg!!!

CrystalGemile: im so SORRY I cant believe we made you feel bad!!!

spinnenprinz: I did NOT say that

spinnenprinz: nowhere did I say that

Bug: wait so why am I in here??

Bug: I love bruderspinne???

spinnenprinz: 💜🦗

Bitchcraft: you should see Logan’s face right now its Concentrated Soft

Bitchcraft: and youre here to help us keep the rest of the mortals chill

illsleepwhenimdead: how am I not chill?

Bitchcraft: you really want me to bring up all the times youve straight up fled my boyfriends presence because it might take a while

illsleepwhenimdead: first of all I have never done anything straight in my life how fucking dare you

illsleepwhenimdead: second, @spinnenprinz I wont flee your presence anymore and im sorry for hurting your feelings

spinnenprinz: i STILL didn’t say that

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: im sorry too!

ImCorbieUnfortunately: yeah I will try to calm down

Kaiserroll: i guess if u said ur not gonna eat us u have to mean it so yeah, i’ll try to chill too

Kaiserroll: sorry i guess

spinnenprinz: which part of ‘i didn’t say you hurt my feelings’ is unclear to you?

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: sorry, we already learned on L

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: youll have to at LEAST get better at fibbing than him if you wanna get it past us

Bitchcraft: wow, cold

Kaiserroll: okay even if we’re controlling for fae-ness Lo can’t lie his way out of a wet paper sack

Kaiserroll: NO ONE is a worse liar than him

Berry: ‘Controlling for fae-ness’?

Berry: Are you using the scientific method?

Berry: I am oddly proud.

Kaiserroll: 🖕

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: be NICE

Kaiserroll: hmmm… no

Kaiserroll: also all this feelingsy shit is making me wanna crawl out of my skin so i’m going to play video games

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: okay have fun!

CrystalGemile: beat those levels

Goldilocks: i hope you win!!!

CrystalGemile: alkjff same HAT!! 💗

Kaiserroll: ur all gross and im muting u

_Kaiserroll_ is offline

illsleepwhenimdead: ykno what would be hilarious

illsleepwhenimdead: if we all spammed him in dms so he has to mute us individually

CrystalGemile: babe thats mean :(

illsleepwhenimdead: I didn’t say I was gonna do it just that itd be funny

illsleepwhenimdead: @Bitchcraft back me up

Bitchcraft: Logan is giving me disapproving eyes so ur on ur own adams

spinnenprinz: im on board with @illsleepwhenimdead

Bitchcraft: alskdj BABE

spinnenprinz: what? its irritating not dangerous

spinnenprinz: thats literally the best kind of prank for non-enemies

illsleepwhenimdead: 👀 pranks u say

spinnenprinz: ? new one, why eyes?

Berry: It means you have his attention.

Berry: Also, absolutely not.

illsleepwhenimdead: @spinnenprinz accept my dm request

Berry: Do not.

illsleepwhenimdead: Sanders I am MORALLY OBLIGATED to teach ur terrifying immortal bf about the honorable concept of “be gay do crime”

spinnenprinz: ha

spinnenprinz: no offense but im pretty sure i invented “be gay do crime” before you were even born

_Bitchcraft_ changed the name of the group chat to _Mistakes Have Been Made_

illsleepwhenimdead: the fuck are you talking about this is the best idea anyones ever had

Berry: Is this an appropriate point in the story for the protagonists to say “We’ve created a monster?”

Goldilocks: i mean, its not like we’re squeaky clean – everyone in this gc is a little crime-y

Goldilocks: :D

Berry: ?

Berry: Wait, as in ‘grimy?’

Goldilocks: ye!

Berry: Terrible. I love you.

Goldilocks: aw honey I love you too!!! so much!!!

CrystalGemile: I gotta go to work but @spinnenprinz if you do crime with my bf can u make sure I don’t have to bail him out of jail

spinnenprinz: you underestimate my ability to outwit cops

CrystalGemile: oh gee yeah I think ‘created a monster’ is a pretty solid take L

CrystalGemile: make good choices!

_CrystalGemile_ is offline.

ImCorbieUnfortunately: this might as well happen

ImCorbieUnfortunately: life in wickhills is already so goddam weird

ImCorbieUnfortunately: im doomed to be the only sane person in the whole town for the rest of my life

Bug: you moved here when we were like 7 youre hardly an actual outsider

Bug: do you even remember normal town life???

ImCorbieUnfortunately: not really but i seem to have kept my normal town instincts because i KNOW yall are batshit insane 95% of the time

Bug: valid

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: hey! :(

ImCorbieUnfortunately: babe I love you but you are definitely wickhills crazy and you cant possibly disagree with me

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: ok fair

Bitchcraft: just roast the entire population of our hometown I guess

ImCorbieUnfortunately: our whole hometown deserves it

Bitchcraft: HA you said our

Bitchcraft: you ARE one of us and you know it

ImCorbieUnfortunately: whats that ? Ur breaking up I cant alkjsd hear you alkjsdfjhgdfg

_ImCorbieUnfortunately_ is offline

Bitchcraft: jackass

—

group chat: _Goldilocks and the three BF’s_

spinnenprinz: is anybody awake?

Bitchcraft: ? yeah babe whats up

_spinnenprinz_ is typing…

Bitchcraft: V are you okay?

spinnenprinz: yeah

spinnenprinz: mostly anyway

Bitchcraft: is pat asleep?

spinnenprinz: yeah

_Bitchcraft_ is typing…

Bitchcraft: you know he wouldnt be upset if you woke him up, v

spinnenprinz: yeah i know. i would have if no one answered

Bitchcraft: ok. as long as you know 💖

Bitchcraft: whats wrong?

_spinnenprinz_ is typing…

spinnenprinz: did i do it alright?

spinnenprinz: with your friends?

Bitchcraft: babe you were perfect

Bitchcraft: you ARE perfect

Bitchcraft: and even if it had been a total dumpster fire it wouldn’t matter because we love you and theres literally no social blunder you could make that would be bad enough we wouldnt recover

_spinnenprinz_ is typing…

spinnenprinz: i love you

Bitchcraft: i love you too 💖 rude of u to be sad when ur not in kissing range though

spinnenprinz: 💜

spinnenprinz: i’ll make it up to you

Bitchcraft: damn right u will 😘

Bitchcraft: we should probably both sleep though it is

Bitchcraft: oh gee its pretty much morning

Bitchcraft: is the cut off 2 or 3 am?

spinnenprinz: neither answer makes us look good 😆

spinnenprinz: i’ll sleep if you do

Bitchcraft: deal. video call?

spinnenprinz: fall asleep watching your face? sounds lovely

Bitchcraft: alkjsdfjhg 💖

Bitchcraft: charmer


	2. Be Gay Do Crime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Virgil is introduced to the 21st century updates for the concept of “Be Gay Do Crime”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the prompt:
> 
> "May I request some LAOFT Thomas and Logan bickering? I ADORE the twins being adorable af, but I would love to see some stupid arguments, the cain instinct, etc." (from a nonnie)
> 
> as well as numerous requests for Be Gay Do Crime Squad 2.0, and more elliot & virgil friendship
> 
> oh you thought I was done inserting gratuitous shorts characters into laoft? I have to laugh
> 
> and thank you to [@trivia-goddess for beta-reading! your approval on Be Gay Do Crime Squad 2.0 fills me with delight lol](trivia-goddess.tumblr.com)

_illsleepwhenimdead_ added _spinnenprinz_ to _be gay do crime_

BetterNateThanNever: baby bro of mine i told u u cannot bring ur cotton candy arm candy to our sacred space of chaos and criminal activities

spinnenprinz: i mean this in the most polite way possible

spinnenprinz: not a snowball’s chance in hell

illsleepwhenimdead: gee thanks

spinnenprinz: you’re welcome /s

illsleepwhenimdead: also that was a very human idiom im kinda surprised

spinnenprinz: oh you do still use that one?

spinnenprinz: do you still use “dolled up?” because i said it a couple days ago and roman laughed but wouldn’t tell me why

illsleepwhenimdead: he laughed because hes gay and thats cute smart guy

BetterNateThanNever: back up

BetterNateThanNever: pause

BetterNateThanNever: we are slowing down

illsleepwhenimdead: if you were any slower you *would* be paused :)

BetterNateThanNever: just so we’re all on the same page here

BetterNateThanNever: (also fuck u)

BetterNateThanNever: did u just add the spider prince to our criminal group chat

illsleepwhenimdead: pour one out for sherlock

BetterNateThanNever: @prnksfrthmmrs come collect ur crazy ass cousin

prnksfrthmmrs: first of all hes YOUR brother collect your own smarmy little bastard

prnksfrthmmrs: second dont be stupid nate theyre fucking with us

illsleepwhenimdead: im really not

spinnenprinz: let her go, i actually really want to see where this goes

prnksfrthmmrs: haha which of rems little buddies are you

prnksfrthmmrs: my moneys on gage

prnksfrthmmrs: or the little pastel gamer kid whats his name

spinnenprinz: im not roman or kai

illsleepwhenimdead: i hope you know im genuinely embarrassed to be related to you right now

prnksfrthmmrs: liar youve never had a genuine emotion in your life

spinnenprinz: harsh

prnksfrthmmrs: i am NOT an idiot rem ill buy that your friends hooked up with the lord of the forest because people have SEEN them but theres no way he has a cell phone and knows how groupchats work

spinnenprinz: “no way” you say

prnksfrthmmrs: did i stutter

_spinnenprinz_ sent a photo to _be gay do crime_

_prnksfrthmmrs_ is typing…

prnksfrthmmrs: are you

prnksfrthmmrs: are you fucking saluting

spinnenprinz: im new to taking selfies leave me in peace

prnksfrthmmrs: jesus hell

BetterNateThanNever: ive BEEN telling u he wasnt messing with us

prnksfrthmmrs: alright well now that ive made a COMPLETE ass out of myself in front of the fair folk royalty you invited to our crime syndicate with no warning

prnksfrthmmrs: uh, hi! you can call me polly

prnksfrthmmrs: or pranks I guess

spinnenprinz: is THAT what that gibberish username is supposed to say?

spinnenprinz: what does the rest mean.

illsleepwhenimdead: oh boy

_illsleepwhenimdead_ sent [a link](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DonzL0EM1pKY&t=ZGNiNjkyMGM4ODk5ZDJhZTFjMjk5ZDE1NmQ4MTAzZjdlNmM5ZDZjMCxzekk3ZUtpUg%3D%3D&b=t%3Ae7wvBnMJXexAJbVtkugO7w&p=https%3A%2F%2Ftulipscomeinallsortsofcolors.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F190717127545%2Fgroup-chat&m=1) to _be gay do crime_

spinnenprinz: !

illsleepwhenimdead: alaksjdasjkl that a good exclamation point?

spinnenprinz: yes :)

spinnenprinz: my sisters like it too

prnksfrthmmrs: thank god more girls i dont need to be anymore outnumbered than i already am

spinnenprinz: 😂

spinnenprinz: well if its girls you want youre definitely winning in numbers

prnksfrthmmrs: ? how many sisters do you have???

_spinnenprinz_ sent a photo to _be gay do crime_

prnksfrthmmrs: …

prnksfrthmmrs: the spiders?

spinnenprinz: the spiders :)

prnksfrthmmrs: @illsleepwhenimdead come collect your creepy spider friends

illsleepwhenimdead: first of all those lovely ladies are YOUR backup sugar, im only responsible for the biggest creepy crawly

illsleepwhenimdead: you said it, no take backs

illsleepwhenimdead: second, no 😘

spinnenprinz: you know “im responsible for him” is a very stupid thing to say about a fae

spinnenprinz: especially when you explicitly invited me here to break laws

_illsleepwhenimdead_ is typing…

illsleepwhenimdead: ok bad phrasing

spinnenprinz: you’re lucky i have no interest in getting caught and pinning it on you

BetterNateThanNever: u HAVE my attention

prnksfrthmmrs: you have no idea just how much it PAINS me to put the brakes on what am now sure is going to be the best idea rems ever had in his life

prnksfrthmmrs: but were not talking anything worse than property damage and fist fights right

prnksfrthmmrs: im too pretty for prison

spinnenprinz: you wont go to prison

_prnksfrthmmrs_ is typing…

prnksfrthmmrs: that really wasnt an answer but you know what fuck it whatcha got spiderguy

spinnenprinz: i had the idea yesterday when oma was ranting about chicken feed

spinnenprinz: they sell huge bags of it now i guess. they used to just let the chickens eat whatever

BetterNateThanNever: (who tf is oma)

prnksfrthmmrs: i am confused but also intrigued

illsleepwhenimdead: (its what he calls ms gage it means gma)

spinnenprinz: i have a very long list of people who i think should be visited by birds

spinnenprinz: @illsleepwhenimdead told me it’s called a “shitlist” and i like that word a lot

prnksfrthmmrs: laskjasdklj you wanna birdseed bomb people lawns?

spinnenprinz: i was actually thinking their porches but lawns also works

spinnenprinz: and what i actually wanted to do was put dead animals on their porches but my beloved has vetoed that

illsleepwhenimdead: which one?

spinnenprinz: L

prnksfrthmmrs: are you surprised the laces are the only thing straight on that guy

prnksfrthmmrs: has he ever even bought booze off of one of you? hes never got any from me

BetterNateThanNever: polly sugar ur kidding right

prnksfrthmmrs: ??? what do you mean

BetterNateThanNever: sanders is a changeling

prnksfrthmmrs: oh really!? wow never would have guessed I had no clue

prnksfrthmmrs: youve opened my fucking eyes im enlightened

spinnenprinz: good to know sarcasm hasn’t fallen out of style in the past century

illsleepwhenimdead: lakjsdlkasj hes FAE

prnksfrthmmrs: SHOCKINGLY I do live in wick freaking hills rem I KNOW that

illsleepwhenimdead: he doesnt buy moonshine because he doesnt NEED it genius he can just buy a grocery store teddy bear of honey and hes set

_prnksfrthmmrs_ is typing…

prnksfrthmmrs: oh

illsleepwhenimdead: ALSKJDA you were serious you REALLY didnt get it???

BetterNateThanNever: HAHAHAHA

prnksfrthmmrs: oh shut UP you jackasses

prnksfrthmmrs: @spinnenprinz whos lawn and/or porch is first on this shitlist

spinnenprinz: robbie harris

prnksfrthmmrs: i am INSTANTLY SOLD

prnksfrthmmrs: can i change my mind about the property damage and fist fights limit???

prnksfrthmmrs: please say yes

illsleepwhenimdead: oh youve made friends with her now

spinnenprinz: ?

BetterNateThanNever: polly HATES robbie

prnksfrthmmrs: hatred does not BEGIN to cover the burning insurmountable revulsion I have for robert fucking harris

prnksfrthmmrs: when he wasnt harassing underclassmen and getting his momma to do his homework for him he was hitting on anything with two legs and a skirt and refusing to understand the word “no”

prnksfrthmmrs: i despise him with the kind of ferocity reserved for serial killers and corrupt politicians

BetterNateThanNever: u said serial killers twice

spinnenprinz: hear hear

spinnenprinz: also everything i learn about this human equivalent of head lice makes me loathe him even more

prnksfrthmmrs: im guessing this is for the laundry list of offenses against your sweethearts

spinnenprinz: your guess is correct

spinnenprinz: i never sufficiently retaliated for the strawberry milkshake incident and its been irritating me ever since

illsleepwhenimdead: love the “sufficiently” thrown in there do I even wanna know what youve already done to him

spinnenprinz: probably not

prnksfrthmmrs: your fucking kidding

prnksfrthmmrs: he works in a RESTAURANT and he deliberately put an allergen in someones food???

prnksfrthmmrs: i could kill him and not feel even a little bad

_spinnenprinz_ is typing…

spinnenprinz: are you offering

BetterNateThanNever: no she is fucking NOT

illsleepwhenimdead: slow your roll your homicidal highness

illsleepwhenimdead: polly ixnay on the urdermay around the interway

spinnenprinz: i did say i could make sure she didn’t go to prison

BetterNateThanNever: we are FOCUSING ON THE BIRDSEED

BetterNateThanNever: and we are GETTING OFF THE SUBJECT

spinnenprinz: fine fine relax

spinnenprinz: one of you has to buy the birdseed because i hate doing complicated glamours and everyone in the town limits is excessively terrified of me for some reason

illsleepwhenimdead: you LITERALLY just offered to help my cousin get away with real actual WHOLE ass murder

spinnenprinz: not unprovoked murder

spinnenprinz: i dont kill people for giving me the wrong change 🙄

illsleepwhenimdead: how gosh darn gracious of you your highness

spinnenprinz: how do i just KNOW you say that exactly like bell does?

illsleepwhenimdead: whoever bell is they sound like a delight

illsleepwhenimdead: i can get the birdseed, how much are we talking?

spinnenprinz: might as well do the lawn and the porch so a lot

_prnksfrthmmrs_ is typing…

prnksfrthmmrs: JUST the lawn and the porch?

spinnenprinz: 👀

prnksfrthmmrs: i suddenly have a FANTASTIC idea

* * *

group chat: Mistakes Have Been Made

Bug: @everyone I have an ANNOUNCEMENT

Bug: a call out, if you will

Berry: Really?

Berry: This is your response?

Berry: Very mature. /s

Kaiserroll: holy shit? are the twins FIGHTING?

Kaiserroll: is the world ending? the sky falling???

Berry: We are not fighting, Thomas is merely being melodramatic.

Bug: yes.

Berry: :(

Bug: >:(

Bug: okay we’re not REALLY fighting but this is STILL A CALLOUT

ImCorbieUnfortunately: i desperately need to know what L could have done to make the worlds #1 Logan Stan cancel him

Bug: @Bitchcraft

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: ?

Bug: you asked what logan did

_Several people_ are typing…

Berry: WE WERE NOT HAVING SEX SHUT UP.

Kaiserrroll: ALKJFDSJHGGFD

ImCorbieUnfortunately: im CRYING oml

Bitchcraft: i refuse to apologize for making out with my boyfriend on principle

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: RIP Lo and Ro we barely knew ye

illsleepwhenimdead: *eating popcorn*

Bug: MAKING OUT IS NOT BETTER WHEN YOU DO IT IN OUR SHARED BEDROOM BERRY

Berry: You said you were leaving! I took you at your word, what else do you want from me?

Bug: I WAS *LITERALLY* GONE LIKE 90 SECONDS

Bitchcraft: a good thing you came back when you did then, i nearly had his shirt off

_Several people_ are typing…

Berry: ROMAN YOU ARE NOT HELPING.

Kaiserroll: added immediately to the list of things i did NOT fucking need to know

ImCorbieUnfortunately: can yall PLEASE control your thirst in the groupchat for goodness sake

Goldilocks: well looks like yall are having a party!

Goldilocks: scratch that scrolled up why are you being mean to my boyfriends :(

Bug: you KNOW why!!!

Goldilocks: listen kiddo i hate to be sassy but i would be kissing my bf’s 24/7/365 if I could get away with it i cant hold it against them 🤷

CrystalGemile: aslkjdakl PAT

Goldilocks: its true and i should say it

spinnenprinz: thomas has a point you shouldnt be making out in L’s room

Bitchcraft: ???

Bug: THANK you

spinnenprinz: you should come here ;)

_Several people_ are typing…

ImCorbieUnfortunately: CONTROL. YOURSELF. PLEASE.

Kaiserroll: WOW i don’t know WHY i expected the lord of the fucking forest to be less horny on main than the other ¾ of the supernatural gays but i did!!!

Kaiserroll: feeling stupid as SHIT in this chilis tonight

Bug: WHICH one of you traitors taught bruderspinne the winky face emoticon I will 🔪

spinnenprinz: oh right

_spinnenprinz_ added _EPenn912_ to _Mistakes Have Been Made_

spinnenprinz: wait i can do that riht?

spinnenprinz: *right

Bitchcraft: yeah babe its fine

Bitchcraft: hey elliot

_EPenn912_ is typing…

EPenn912: hi 👋

EPenn912: big gc 😅

_Several people_ are typing…

CrystalGemile: hi!

Goldilocks: welcome!

Kaiserroll: do i know u?

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: hello 👋

ImCorbieUnfortunately: K cant you just say hello like a normal human being

ImCorbieUnfortunately: ill demonstrate – hi! nice to meet you!

ImCorbieUnfortunately: see, easy

_EPenn912_ is typing…

EPenn912: nice to meet you too

EPenn912: you can call me elliot, and I use they/them pronouns

illsleepwhenimdead: if youre gonna be in here you gotta be dressed for the occasion sugar

EPenn912: ?

illsleepwhenimdead: your username small fry

illsleepwhenimdead: wheres the panache???

illsleepwhenimdead: the je ne se quoi

illsleepwhenimdead: the PRESENCE

Berry: It is a perfectly acceptable username.

illsleepwhenimdead: “acceptable” dont fly here

spinnenprinz: you don’t have to change your username

illsleepwhenimdead: but you should

CrystalGemile: babe :(

illsleepwhenimdead: i dont mean as like a MEAN thing like a bonding thing

illsleepwhenimdead: One Of Us, One Of Us, etc

spinnenprinz: you don’t have to change your username if you don’t WANT to

_EPenn912_ is typing…

EPenn912: i do kinda have an idea

illsleepwhenimdead: YAS do it small fry

EPenn912: it might be dumb

ImCorbieUnfortunately: youre kidding right

ImCorbieUnfortunately: youve seen our usernames you must be joking

EPenn912: yeah but it might be weird

illsleepwhenimdead: just do it, you can always change it to something else

EPenn912: uh okay

_EPenn912_ changed their username to _kleinespinne_

Goldilocks: oh my GOSH

CrystalGemile: awwww, matching like L and T !!!

_spinnenprinz_ is typing…

kleinespinne: its weird isnt it

kleinespinne: i know thats kinda like my contact name in your phone but i should have asked first I didnt mean to make it weird

kleinespinne: @spinnenprinz you stopped typing and im kinda freaking out

Goldilocks: alkjfds incoming kiddo

Kaiserroll: im trying real hard for benefit of the doubt here but u cant say that and expect me NOT to flip shit what the fuck do u mean INCOMING?

spinnenprinz: calm down thanks

kleinespinne: everythings fine

Kaiserroll: oh because thats not cryptic as shit

spinnenprinz: it’s really not that deep 🙄

Bug: don’t worry bruderspinne I wont tell everyone the spider prince is a closet snuggler

Bug: oh darn what have I done

spinnenprinz: traitor

Bug: consider it payback for my suffering

spinnenprinz: why am i being held responsible for the actions of my partners?

Bug: you made me look at a winky face emoticon directed at my brother with MY OWN TWO WHOLE EYES

Bug: and do NOT act like you’ve never been guilty of inflicting excessive pda on MY OWN TWO WHOLE EYES

Berry: As opposed to what?

Berry: Only one eye?

Berry: Two partial eyes?

ImCorbieUnfortunately: i feel like im watching a star collapse into a black hole

ImCorbieUnfortunately: @illsleepwhenimdead are you sure you and your brother didnt body snatch the twins

illsleepwhenimdead: oh hun you havent seen anything

illsleepwhenimdead: the last time nate caught me and emmy getting frisky i didn’t even know about it until we came out of the barn

illsleepwhenimdead: and the shithead had made a “congrats on the makeouts” banner and strung it across the front fucking porch

illsleepwhenimdead: i dont even know where he GOT a banner that size that fast

CrystalGemile: well I mean

CrystalGemile: we were kinda in there a while

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: (emmy??? thats so cute im dying)

CrystalGemile: (😊)

Kaiserroll: i hate all of u

Kaiserroll: me @kleinespinne and @Bug are gonna make our own group chat where we dont have to see all of u coupley bastards be gross

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: wait, what DO you call a romantic relationship with four people???

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: its not a couple, and I know “thruple” is a thing but whats four

illsleepwhenimdead: mclaughlin asking the real hard hitting questions in here

Kaiserroll: “romantic relationshippy bastards” just doesnt have the same sting

spinnenprinz: it’s funny that you think the first one had any sting

Kaiserroll: im being bullied

ImCorbieUnfortunately: you started it

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: i think technically thomas started it

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: with the callout

Bug: which you deserved @Berry

Berry: Thank you, McLaughlin, because I needed you to remind him. /s

Kaiserroll: thats never gonna stop being slightly unsettling

Berry: I am sure you will live.

* * *

_Kaiserroll_ added _Bug_ and _kleinespinne_ to the groupchat

_Kaiserroll_ named the group chat _no couples/quatruples allowed_

Bug: alskdj I wasn’t expecting you to actually do it

Kaiserroll: u underestimate the level of spite I have

kleinespinne: wait were not gonna say like mean things about them in here right

kleinespinne: because i dont think im comfortable with that

Kaiserroll: todays a massive outlier kid thomas is way too soft to say mean things about anyone

kleinespinne: i am kinda only one grade below you you know

Bug: right its just me

Bug: Kai totally doesnt talk up literally all our friends when theyre not around and then be a prickly pear to their faces like the polar opposite of a gossip

Bug: positive gossip? possip?

Bug: nah sounds too much like possum

_Kaiserroll_ is typing…

Kaiserroll: >:(

Kaiserroll: thomas is on the war path today I GUESS

Bug: no one is safe from my call outs

kleinespinne: ok cool

Kaiserroll: alright i do have to know what the hell pat meant when he said “incoming” though

_kleinespinne_ is typing…

kleinespinne: bruderspinne showed up to my house

Kaiserroll: is he the fae equivalent of the flash???

kleinespinne: no

kleinespinne: well actually yeah he is pretty fast

kleinespinne: but you know that looney tunes thing where they paint a black circle and they jump in it and teleport away kinda?

Kaiserroll: u must be joking

kleinespinne: no he can do that but with like regular shadows

kleinespinne: he just kinda hops in and off he goes

Kaiserroll: ur telling me he can just show up at peoples houses at anytime

kleinespinne: uh maybe?

Bug: ill be honest i dont really know how it works like at all

Bug: and REALLY kai bruderspinne is not gonna bother you unless you do something really really stupid

Kaiserroll: no I know

Bug: ???

_Kaiserroll_ is typing…

Kaiserroll: i mean i know he’s not gonna show up to MY house he barely knows me

Kaiserroll: but its like???

Kaiserroll: i dont fucking know its just good that he can get to u quick???

Kaiserroll: in like an emergency or whatever

Bug: POSSIP

kleinespinne: lkasjdlsadj

Kaiserroll: oh shut up

kleinespinne: bruderspinne says thats very sweet

Kaiserroll: elliot u TRAITOR

Kaiserroll: no quatruples!!!

kleinespinne: right bcuz i can totally stop him from reading over my shoulder

Kaiserroll: i am being BULLIED

Kaiserroll: HARASSED in my own groupchat!!!

Kaiserroll: WHEN will I know peace

Bug: speaking of “your groupchat” kai you gotta make one of us an admin

Kaiserroll: ??? y

Bug: because its only a matter of time before you do SOMETHING about your so-massive-its-visible-from-space crush on lauren schuler and then me and elliot will be forced to boot you from the single pringle party

Kaiseroll: SHUT UP I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON LAUREN

kleinespinne: no offense but thats a LOT of caps lock for a crush you “dont have”

Kaiserroll: I hate u BOTH

* * *

group chat: Mistakes Have Been Made

spinnenprinz: @illsleepwhenimdead i’m taking you down with me

illsleepwhenimdead: the FUCK dude

Berry: So you admit it was you?

spinnenprinz: i admitted no such thing

Berry: >:(

spinnenprinz: beloved

spinnenprinz: my sweet spring flower

spinnenprinz: i love you so much

Berry: You are BLATANTLY deflecting.

Berry: (But I love you as well, of course.)

spinnenprinz: also @illsleepwhenimdead bought the bird seed

illsleepwhenimdead: you snitching fuck!!!

Kaiserroll: HAHAHAHAHA

Kaiserroll: u two are the reason robbies car looks like its been carpet bombed with bird shit???

CrystalGemile: oh gee

CrystalGemile: well i guess i didnt have to bail anyone out so you did??? kinda follow the letter if not the spirit

illsleepwhenimdead: technically im the reason his LAWN is covered in bird shit

spinnenprinz: and pranks put the birdseed on the car

Kaiserroll: who tf is “pranks” ???

illsleepwhenimdead: hes talking about polly

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: !!! since WHEN does polly know spinnenprinz?

ImCorbieUnfortunately: i cant believe polly roped the lord of the forest into her ongoing campaign of vengeance against robbie

spinnenprinz: i assure you i didn’t need to be “roped in” to anything

illsleepwhenimdead: it was a mutual campaign of vengeance

Berry: I know you cannot see but I am sighing.

Berry: I am sighing very exasperatedly.

Berry: You have reduced me to narration in an attempt to communicate my emotions, are you happy?

Goldilocks: weeelllll if he can still drive the car id say thats some pretty impressive restraint honey! ^.^

ImCorbieUnfortunately: alskdjklj PAT

CrystalGemile: im somehow both surprised and also SUPER not surprised

illsleepwhenimdead: you think YOURE exasperated sanders i managed to introduce polly to the one SINGULAR person on earth who wants robbie dead as much as she does

illsleepwhenimdead: the pos is lucky im such a bro for talking them out of it

spinnenprinz: talking HER out of it! i was not going to kill robbie!

illsleepwhenimdead: somehow i don’t think offering to fair-folk-magic her out of her homicide conviction is better :)

Bitchcraft: babe we have TALKED about this 😂

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: these are! not emojis we should be using! while talking about killing people!

kleinespinne: you kinda get used to it

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: Not Better !!!

_Goldilocks_ sent a photo to _Mistakes Have Been Made_

Kaiserroll: thats it ive seen everything

Kaiserroll: lord of the forest sulking like a toddler because his bfs told him “no murder”

spinnenprinz: >:(

spinnenprinz: i do not “sulk”

Kaiserroll: oh what do u call that tough guy ~brooding~?

spinnenprinz: can we go back to when you were terrified of me

kleinespinne: not possible

kleinespinne: once we see the soft squishy center theres no going back

kleinespinne: ur doomed bruderspinne

spinnenprinz: D: ??? ellie you too???

Kaiserroll: alright if the terror wasnt already out of my system THAT woulda done it for SURE

ImCorbieUnfortunately: im still tryna figure out how yall got the birdseed to stay on the car that long

illsleepwhenimdead: corn syrup

ImCorbieUnfortunately: youve gotta be kidding me

illsleepwhenimdead: yeah she just climbed on top of the car poured a jug of it all over and then the birdseed stuck. when it froze it basically made a birdseed shell on the car

ImCorbieUnfortunately: *wipes a single tear* beautiful

Kaiserroll: i love it

Berry: Froze?

Illsleepwhenimdead: yeah?

Berry: Syrup has a lower freezing point than water.

illsleepwhenimdead: ok congratulations 2 syrup???

Berry: It hasn’t been cold enough for syrup to freeze at any point in the past week.

illsleepwhenimdead: ah

Berry: @spinnenprinz

spinnenprinz: yes beloved?

Berry: You froze the corn syrup, didn’t you?

Berry: You cannot one-for-one retaliate against everyone in Wickhills who has ever been rude to me, dear. It would probably take you the better part of a decade and I would never get to see you.

Berry: And @illsleepwhenimdead stop encouraging him.

Bug: CALLOUT TIME berrys been smiling through literally this whole conversation

Berry: THOMAS.

Bug: no 👏 one 👏 is 👏 safe 👏

spinnenprinz: :)

illsleepwhenimdead: FABULOUS no brakes on the vandalism party train yall ✊

illsleepwhenimdead: operation avenge the nerd (and frankly everyone but mostly logan) is a go

Berry: You are all exhausting. /j

Berry: 💙

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm pretty sure im the first person to use the "Pranks" character tag in months but do i care? no i do not
> 
> New usernames: 
> 
> Nate – BetterNateThanNever  
> Polly/Pranks - prnksfrthmmrs  
> Elliot – EPenn912/kleinespinne


	3. we are all sof for frens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there are Mean Girls references, both platonic and romantic sappiness, and Nate is still the token cis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter starts pretty much immediately post-Spiderling
> 
> For the prompt:
> 
> can i get uhhhh some virgil doting on mortals/emile? i live for "spooky spider prince giving the designated human of the week all his uwus (that aren't already taken by his boyfriends)" from phantom anon

_spinnenprinz_ added _kleinespinne_ to _be gay do crime_

prnksfrthmmrs: so i take it we’re just fully leaning into “encouraging juvenile delinquency” now

illsleepwhenimdead: weve already taken them on a vandalism spree pranks them being in the group chat is not gonna make much of a difference

BetterNateThanNever: i mean wouldnt we rather they do it in the house

spinnenprinz: i get the feeling that is a reference but i don't get it

kleinespinne: its mean girls

kleinespinne: i think

illsleepwhenimdead: hold the FUCKING phone roman hasn’t made you watch MEAN GIRLS YET?

prnksfrthmmrs: D:

spinnenprinz: i guess not?

BetterNateThanNever: truly a travesty

kleinespinne: on wednesdays we wear pink

spinnenprinz: i have heard pat say that

BetterNateThanNever: sue actually does kinda look like mrs george now that i think about it

kleinespinne: alsdjk are you talking about my mom

kleinespinne: did you really just call my mom sue

BetterNateThanNever: i mean yeah is that not cool

kleinespinne: its hilarious

illsleepwhenimdead: pay you ten bucks to call her sue to her face

kleinespinne: alsdjkklj no DONT she already thinks youre corrupting me

kleinespinne: I don't need to give her more reasons to not let me see you

_prnksfrthmmrs_ is typing…

prnksfrthmmrs: youre kidding right

prnksfrthmmrs: thats a joke

kleinespinne: ?

illsleepwhenimdead: oh sweet summer child

kleinespinne: what am i missing

prnksfrthmmrs: when i said i was stealing you i meant it

prnksfrthmmrs: we have the same middle NAME

prnksfrthmmrs: your momma cant hide you from me youre an adams now its the law

BetterNateThanNever: okay well, we SHOULD keep in mind that helping them sneak out is gonna technically still be kidnapping for like another almost 2 years

illsleepwhenimdead: counterpoint do you really think the pennybackers are gonna call the cops on @spinnenprinz

spinnenprinz: they can try

_kleinespinne_ is typing…

kleinespinne: do i get to drive the moonshine truck?

_Several people_ are typing…

BetterNateThanNever: absolutely not

illsleepwhenimdead: hell yeah!

prnksfrthmmrs: of COURSE you can

BetterNateThanNever: why do i even bother

spinnenprinz: better you than me

spinnenprinz: i hate those cursed things

illsleepwhenimdead: you and your vendetta against fossil fuels

spinnenprinz: do you melt? no? im allowed to be pissed about global warming and speeding cursed metal death machines

illsleepwhenimdead: chill you grumpy old man

spinnenprinz: ???

spinnenprinz: i'm not a man

spinnenprinz: why do humans always say that

_Several people_ are typing…

illsleepwhenimdead: oh shit im so sorry

prnksfrthmmrs: rock on he/him pronouns still good?

BetterNateThanNever: are u telling me im STILL the token cis in this group chat

kleinespinne: !!! i didnt know that bruderspinne

spinnenprinz: yeah he/him is right?

spinnenprinz: and what do you mean you didn't know

kleinespinne: ? you never told me you werent cis

spinnenprinz: i dont know what “cis” means

kleinespinne: that you werent a man?

prnksfrthmmrs: i feel like we’re all talking crossways here

spinnenprinz: you cant tell???

illsleepwhenimdead: what just by looking at you? no??

spinnenprinz: go pick flowers, seriously?

BetterNateThanNever: the hell and fuck does that mean

spinnenprinz: no you don't understand this explains every conversation about gender i've ever had with a human.

spinnenprinz: are you telling me you all go around *guessing* each others genders?

prnksfrthmmrs: are YOU telling ME that you just know peoples genders without being told?

spinnenprinz: of course i do i'm not *senseless!*

BetterNateThanNever: i dont know if I should be offended

kleinespinne: thats how you knew my pronouns!

kleinespinne: i figured one of your bfs told you

prnksfrthmmrs: this is so wild

prnksfrthmmrs: is this a you thing or a good neighbor thing?

spinnenprinz: fae thing

spinnenprinz: can you imagine how awkward revels would be if i had to guess the pronouns of everyone i looked at?

BetterNateThanNever: no offense but i dont want to imagine revels at all because i like being alive

spinnenprinz: don't be so dramatic

BetterNateThanNever: u look me in the eye and tell me no ones ever died at a revel for offending someone

_spinnenprinz_ is typing…

spinnenprinz: i can't look you in the eye we’re in different places right now

BetterNateThanNever: i REST my CASE ur honor

spinnenprinz:🖕

illsleepwhenimdead: still cant believe your bfs just,,, go to those like its nbd

illsleepwhenimdead: raises my blood pressure

spinnenprinz: why? i’m there

prnksfrthmmrs: gross you activated sappy V rem look what you did

spinnenprinz: how is it sappy to say would protect *my own loves* it's just common sense

spinnenprinz: *you* all could come to revels and i would keep you safe, obviously

kleinespinne: maybe not all at once that seems like a lot of folks to keep track of

spinnenprinz: do you know how many eyes spiders have?

_Several people_ are typing…

prnksfrthmmrs: thanks I hate it

illsleepwhenimdead: you have MORE EYES where are you HIDING THEM???

kleinespinne: freaky, but very cool

spinnenprinz: it was a JOKE

BetterNateThanNever: dark spider prince show me the forbidden eyes

spinnenprinz: I Don’t Have Any More Eyes

prnksfrthmmrs: ah i see someone taught you the capitalization for emphasis meme

spinnenprinz: the level of irreverence... the disrespect… astonishing

illsleepwhenimdead: shut up you love it

spinnenprinz: i refuse to respond to that

prnksfrthmmrs: ok just so were all on the same page was that an *invitation* to a revel, or…?

_s_ _pinnenprinz_ and _BetterNateThanNever_ are typing...

spinnenprinz: if you want it to be it can

BetterNateThanNever: NOPE

prnksfrthmmrs: nate. my guy. listen. we’ve got all this fae-safe moonshine and only two (2) people to sell it to

BetterNateThanNever: u exhaust and vex me

spinnenprinz: 👀 i know someone who makes faerie wine

spinnenprinz: i could introduce you

illsleepwhenimdead: BET?

BetterNateThanNever: oh ur so damn lucky ur terrifying and all-powerful or i’d wring ur neck right now like one of old lady gages chickens

BetterNateThanNever: how am *i* the responsible adams??? what has the world come 2???

prnksfrthmmrs: you brought 14yo polly into the family business your own damn self and everything following is Your Own Damn Fault

BetterNateThanNever: ur gonna kill me

BetterNateThanNever: im gonna die prematurely of a stress heart attack like a nervous chihuahua

BetterNateThanNever: who is gonna rescue me

BetterNateThanNever: help me obiwan whoever the fuck u are ur my only ho

spinnenprinz: great part of being the tallest person in every room is it is very easy to make “too short for a stormtrooper” jokes

illsleepwhenimdead: he showed you STAR WARS but not MEAN GIRLS???

illsleepwhenimdead: thats it

* * *

_Group Chat: Mistakes Have Been Made_

illsleepwhenimdead: @Bitchcraft this is a FUCKING CALLOUT POST

Kaiserroll: oh here we fucking go

ImCorbieUnfortunately: im getting the little “days since our last nonsense” sign out, go ahead

Bitchcraft: what do you want adams

illsleepwhenimdead: you showed ur immortal datemate STAR WARS before you showed him MEAN GIRLS???

illsleepwhenimdead: how DARE you???

Bug: ok, a valid callout

CrystalGemile: … maybe a little

Bitchcraft: et tu, thomathy?

Berry: We were attempting to present the pop culture knowledge in roughly chronological order, and Star Wars predates Mean Girls significantly.

illsleepwhenimdead: mean girls is LEAGUES more important than star wars!

Berry: Utterly, flagrantly, blatantly incorrect.

illsleepwhenimdead: stfu sanders i'll steal ur ears

Berry: ?????

Berry: I do not understand this level of hostility.

illsleepwhenimdead: you are *depriving* him of a cultural cornerstone!!

Berry: I hardly find that accurate.

illsleepwhenimdead: mean girls is queer culture and thats the tea

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: its true I watched mean girls on showtime as a kid and im bi now

ImCorbieUnfortunately: tru story, can confirm

kleinespinne: i watched mean girls and now im too genderqueer to function

CrystalGemile: on wednesdays we wear pink

Goldilocks: on wednesdays we wear pink

Goldilocks: SAME HAT

Goldilocks: can we watch mean girls for next movie date night?? that sounds like so much fun!

Berry: I believe the plan is to watch Jurassic Park.

_Goldilocks_ sent a photo to _Mistakes Have Been Made_

Berry: We can watch Mean Girls.

illsleepwhenimdead: w o w

Kaiserroll: did you just instantly succumb to puppy eyes over *text?*

_Berry_ is typing…

Berry: It was a photograph.

Bitchcraft: pats puppy eyes are lethal and you all know it

illsleepwhenimdead: Ems are worse I guarantee it

ImCorbieUnfortunately: I hate to break it to yall but my guys got all of you beat

Kaiserroll: ALKJDAKLS CORBIN???

illsleepwhenimdead: holy shit

illsleepwhenimdead: a smooth corbin has appeared, very rare in the wild

ImCorbieUnfortunately: oh shut UP

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: !!!!!

IfLostReturnToCorbie: 💞💖💞💖💞💖

ImCorbieUnfortunately: ❤

Kaiserroll: im going to kill all of you

Kaiserroll: why does this gc always wind up with yall being gross while i scream

kleinespinne: idk its kinda cute

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: you gotta think its at least a LITTLE cute, k

Kaiserroll: do i look like i feel emotions?

Kaiserroll: like a sap?

Kaiserroll: a CORNBALL?

spinnenprinz: somehow I get the feeling you don't want me to answer that

Berry: Direct quote from Kai, February 7 th  – “Do you think anyone’s going to get Lauren one of those roses the student council sells for Valentines? It’d be really shitty if other people in her classes got one and she didn’t, I don’t want her to feel bad.”

_Several people_ are typing…

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: OOOOOHHHH

ImCorbieUnfortunately: wow lo did you really have to murder kai right in front of us

illsleepwhenimdead: hello 911 theres been a homicide

spinnenprinz: like you would ever call the cops

illsleepwhenimdead: yeah id probably call you honestly alksdj

spinnenprinz: !

spinnenprinz: 💜

Bitchcraft: huh, thats weird

CrystalGemile: ? What is?

Bitchcraft: i think im offended actually

Bug: alkjakl WHY THO 😂

illsleepwhenimdead: im not hitting on ur datemate gage calm down

Bitchcraft: >:(

Bitchcraft: i didnt think you were!

illsleepwhenimdead: then whats the damage???

Bitchcraft: youre REALLY telling me youve known V less than a year and youd call HIM before you called ME?

Goldilocks: uh oh

Bug: okay you know what? Fair

Berry: How so?

Bug: uh, infringing on best friend territory? RudeTM

_Berry_ is typing…

Berry: Alright, yes, that is fair.

Berry: @spinnenprinz Give Remy back to Roman.

spinnenprinz: how is this MY fault? he said it!

spinnenprinz: it isn’t like i snatched him out of a mushroom circle

illsleepwhenimdead: listen this isnt that deep i call V if i need to hide a body because ive seen him feed raw meat to his pet shadow and that seems pretty damn efficient

spinnenprinz: she isnt a pet shes my mother, thanks

illsleepwhenimdead: petrifying, i hate it

illsleepwhenimdead: id call roman if i need to you know like

illsleepwhenimdead: cry

illsleepwhenimdead: Be Disgusting And Vulnerable, as you do

Goldilocks: omg

ImCorbieUnfortunately: okay thats actually cute

_Bitchcraft_ is typing…

Bitchcraft: yeah?

Illsleepwhenimdead: yeah??? theres like 4 people ill cry in front of and noah fence V you are Not on the list

spinnenprinz: none taken

Kaiserroll: really??? were gonna add in PLATONIC sap now???

Goldilocks: heck yeah we are!!

Goldilocks: @CrystalGemile youre super smart and im so proud of you for getting your psych degree and i think youre gonna be a really great doctor one day!!

CrystalGemile: laksdjklaj PAT

Kaiserroll: oh no

Bug: oh now youve activated pattons loving his friend mode, its over for us all

Goldilocks: @IfLostReturnToCorbie<3 youre always so bubbly and friendly and its really sweet!!

spinnenprinz: @kleinespinne you’re a very good friend, i enjoy talking to you

Kaiserroll: oh NO

Bug: oh we’re REALLY doing this @Berry i love you so so much youre the best brother in the world hands down no arguments

Berry: !! 💚

Berry: I will have to politely disagree as you are the best brother but I will concede to being second.

Kaiserroll: NO STOP

Berry: @ImCorbieUnfortunately While it took me a long time to understand it as genuine I have always appreciated your attempts to include me in group activities.

ImCorbieUnfortunately: Of course, man 👍

ImCorbieUnfortunately: @Kaiserroll we all know you like us youre an absolutely shit liar

illsleepwhenimdead: alskdjljk thats a roast not a compliment corb!!

ImCorbieUnfortunately: an attempt was made

Bitchcraft: @illsleepwhenimdead youre my favorite person to debate musical theatre with even though all your opinions are wrong and very bad

illsleepwhenimdead: i give you genuine human emotion and you come back with salt why am I not surprised gage (❤)

CrystalGemile: @spinnenprinz youre very nice and funny and i feel very silly for being so spooked by you for so long

spinnenprinz: i mean i am still lord of the forest

spinnenprinz: “spooked” is not an unreasonable reaction

kleinespinne: @CrystalGemile i don't know if you remember this but when i was in sixth grade you came to school in a skirt and im pretty sure its the reason i figured out i was nonbinary

kleinespinne: i mean i know you arent, i just was like thinking about wearing skirts and why i wanted to

kleinespinne: well actually i guess i don't know that for sure that was weird to say, i just meant that it was super cool of you to wear the skirt and thanks i guess

CrystalGemile: oh my gosh im crying

CrystalGemile: elliot!!! im so GLAD that it helped omg that the sweetest thing anyones ever said to me!!!!!

illsleepwhenimdead: hey elliot quick q do you have any idea how many crimes i would commit for you including murder

spinnenprinz: same

Bitchcraft: i think elliot won

Goldilocks: sweetie it wasnt a contest !

Goldilocks: but uh yeah they totally did aslkdjklj

* * *

Group chat: _Goldilocks and the three BFs_

Goldilocks: im full of sappy feelings now and i just wanted to say that i love you all so much i dont even know what to do with myself some days and if i could kiss you every single day i would and i hope one day i can

Bitchcraft: !!! loves of my life, i adore you with the whole of my heart and it is my fondest wish to someday wake you up every morning for the rest of our lives with all the kisses you could possibly desire

spinnenprinz: are you with L? i’m coming to get you

Bitchcraft: alkdakl VIRGIL

spinnenprinz: what? you talk like that, and you think i’m not going to kiss you breathless as soon as possible? not going to hold you at the first available opportunity?

spinnenprinz: unrealistic.

Berry: Roman isn’t with me, I’m at home in the yard do you want me to stay or come to you?

Berry: I’m sorry, I told Mom I was spending the night with you but I didn’t think to ask first.

spinnenprinz: if i had my way you would never leave my arms, of course you can. i’ll be right there

Bitchcraft: V babe youre gonna kill me with all this smooth

spinnenprinz: i’ll kiss it better

Bitchcraft: VIRGIL

Bitchcraft: i have a bag packed and i told Mamaw i’m leaving come get me babe.

spinnenprinz: 😘

Goldilocks: I’ll get the extra blankets for the bed!!! I love you lots of kisses see you soon !!!!!

Berry: see you soon, starlight 💙

Bitchcraft: I await the sight of your faces with bated breath 💖💗❤💖💗❤ see you soon


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who will be crowned king of the hillbillies?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> takes place immediately after Honey
> 
> For the prompts
> 
> "Hello! I'm currently binging all of your LAOFT one-shots and I have no idea if you still take prompts or not but if you do could I possibly see either of your autistic-coded boys having a special interest and/or infodumping?" (from @lilbit-gay)  
> "ooh for the groupchat thing you could do a chapter incorperating their reports on the flower thing!" (from ro anon)
> 
> and thank you to @trivia-goddess for beta-reading my memery

_Group Chat: be gay do crime_

  
  


spinnenprinz: @illsleepwhenimdead fuck you

illsleepwhenimdead: good morning your honey-addled highness

prnksfrthmmrs: oooooh how did it go?

spinnenprinz: fuck. you.

BetterNateThanNever: some1s chipper this morning

spinnenprinz: i feel like someone crammed razor blades in my skull

illsleepwhenimdead: “oooooh, look at me, im the tough guy lord of the forest im totally immune to your alcohol brewing skills” hows it feel to EAT those words you cocky fuck

spinnenprinz: how about *you* eat a dick, sleep

illsleepwhenimdead: 1 is that ref to my username because if so I actually love that and 2 you don’t scare me ive laid the lord of the forest low with some fermented bee juice im unstoppable

kleinespinne: you were like really super out of it tho im not surprised youre hungover

illsleepwhenimdead: I warned him im guiltless

prnksfrthmmrs: Rest in pieces v we barely knew ye

spinnenprinz: you warned me it was strong you didn’t warn me it was *fucking poison*

spinnenprinz: bell’s remedy barely helped

illsleepwhenimdead: you keep mentioning this bell character and then not introducing us im starting to think youre just teasing us v, put up or shut up

spinnenprinz: its for my own fucking protection the four of you in a room would be a hazard the size of the whole town

kleinespinne: not me?

BetterNateThanNever: nah ur still a hazard in training

prnksfrthmmrs: minor calamity

illsleepwhenimdead: a category 1

kleinespinne: fair enough

kleinespinne: also not to pick on you while youre down bruderspinne but I think you owe everyone an apology for turning the pda up to eleven and breaking off the knob

spinnenprinz: i’m physically incapable of genuinely apologizing for kissing my partners, you’ll have to deal

prnksfrthmmrs: at least you have partners to kiss your big hangover booboo better

spinnenprinz: they’re reasonably refusing to kiss me because my mouth tastes like bile, pranks

spinnenprinz: @illsleepwhenimdead also both your fault and unforgivable

illsleepwhenimdead: as delighted as I am that it worked so well I did have help

BetterNateThanNever: ur welcome

prnksfrthmmrs: never gonna understand what betty sees in you you gremlin

BetterNateThanNever: bets got taste

illsleepwhenimdead: so are you actually dating now

BetterNateThanNever: wouldnt u like 2 know weather boy

spinnenprinz: who is betty?

prnksfrthmmrs: Nate’s maybe girlfriend maybe not because theyre weird and refuse to tell anyone.

illsleepwhenimdead: also known as bee lady

kleinespinne: oh I love the bee lady I put her honey in my coffee

prnksfrthmmrs: you know drinking coffee will stunt your growth shortstop

kleinespinne: thats a myth

BetterNateThanNever: totally not a myth cross my heart

prnksfrthmmrs: short forever

illsleepwhenimdead: put the klein in kleinespinne

prnksfrthmmrs: does everyone but me suddenly know fucking german???

illsleepwhenimdead: im only learning german under duress don’t look at me

illsleepwhenimdead: roman keeps muttering vocab under his breath every time we hang out and complaining that the duolingo owl is out for his blood

BetterNateThanNever: the owl is a little scary

illsleepwhenimdead: the owl is NOT scary its a digital chibi owl youre all just big babies

spinnenprinz: roman is learning german?

  
  


_illsleepwhenimdead_ is typing…

  
  


illsleepwhenimdead: oh no

illsleepwhenimdead: shit shit shit

—

_Group Chat: Mistakes Have Been Made_

  
  


illsleepwhenimdead: @Bitchcraft please don’t kill me

Bitchcraft: im reserving my response until I know what you did

spinnenprinz: beloved are you learning german?

Bitchcraft: remy you are DEAD MEAT

illsleepwhenimdead: im sorry! I forgot it was supposed to be a secret!!!

spinnenprinz: why is it a secret???

Bitchcraft: it was SUPPOSED to be a SURPRISE

spinnenprinz: for me?

  
  


_Bitchcraft_ is typing…

  
  


Bitchcraft: yeah babe, for you. Of course for you

Bitchcraft: mamaws been helping

Bitchcraft: and the demon owl app

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: This Is So Pure

Bitchcraft: before SOMEONE went and ruined it

illsleepwhenimdead: roman im really really sorry I totally spaced

  
  


_Bitchcraft_ is typing…

  
  


Bitchcraft: I not *really* mad Rem, are you okay?

illsleepwhenimdead: oh

illsleepwhenimdead: okay, yeah im fine. its all cool.

Bitchcraft: are you sure?

  
  


_illsleepwhenimdead_ is typing…

  
  


illsleepwhenimdead: okay yeah I was kind of definitely freaking out but if youre not mad its whatever, all cool

Berry: perhaps it would be a good idea for all of us to use the tone marker tags? To avoid such miscommunications

ImCorbieUnfortunately: I leave yall alone for an hour, what the hell

ImCorbieUnfortunately: you mean like your little sarcasm tag L?

Berry: Yes. I can provide a link to a list.

  
  


_Berry_ sent a [link](https://href.li/?https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/798584996726177825/798995479063953418/730874ef-f86e-4939-9fa5-078635b790b0.png)

  
  


IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: okay! I’ll try to remember to use these

Kaiserroll: oh now i gotta see this, say something german roman.

Bitchcraft: absolutely not

Kaiserroll: cmooooooooon

CrystalGemile: I’d love to see!

Bitchcraft: NO i suck, ive barely passed the first beginner set I know like maybe a few dozen words

Goldilocks: awwww, honey, im sure youre very good!

Bitchcraft: nope.

Berry: Even if you are only a beginner, it is reasonable to be proud of your progress so far.

  
  


_Bitchcraft_ is typing…

  
  


Bitchcraft: Mein Katze heisst Dizzy

spinnenprinz: it’s “meine”

Bitchcraft: see? I told you

Berry: Wait, what?

Bitchcraft: what what babe?

Berry: I knew that.

Berry: How did I know the correction before you said it?

spinnenprinz: ??? why wouldn’t you?

Berry: I very much do not speak German, dear.

spinnenprinz: that’s just because you haven’t heard enough of it.

ImCorbieUnfortunately: im lost

illsleepwhenimdead: aw cmon is this more good neighbor shit?

spinnenprinz: oh right

spinnenprinz: yes

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: :O ? how does it work???

spinnenprinz: fae can understand people speaking no matter what the language is, and the more we hear the better we speak it.

Berry: That’s fascinating.

illsleepwhenimdead: when you say “the more you hear” what kind of timeline are we talking?

spinnenprinz: a couple weeks? i stumbled in german the first few conversations i guess

ImCorbieUnfortunately: what kinda unfair bullshit

CrystalGemile: sure is always an adventure with you v

Kaiserroll: good neighbors (read: we’re just better at everything than u)

Berry: Lying.

spinnenprinz: eating red berries

Berry: Touching iron.

spinnenprinz: eating OR touching salt

Berry: Going outside in daisy season.

spinnenprinz: driving cursed metal death carriages.

Bitchcraft: *car* babe, its just called a car

Kaiserroll: okay i get it not everything omg chill

Berry: Also you regularly beat me at video games by such a wide margin it would be incredibly embarrassing if video game prowess was a trait I valued in myself.

Kaiserroll: I Get The Picture Four Eyes

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: and remember Logan couldn’t do the sewing unit in home ec because of the needles

Kaiserroll: YES I AM WRONG AS SHIT I GET IT

spinnenprinz: 😂

spinnenprinz: fae are perfectly capable of sewing as long at the needles aren’t cursed 😆

Berry: Indeed. V is very proficient at a number of fiber crafts.

CrystalGemile: ooh do share

ImCorbieUnfortunately: like what?

spinnenprinz: sewing, embroidery, weaving, knitting, crocheting, and I can needle, tat, knit, crochet, or bobbin lace.

ImCorbieUnfortunately: jesus christ

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: WOW that’s so much!!!

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: where did you learn all that?

spinnenprinz: … i’m a spider

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: ALSKJDASKD wait REALLY?

spinnenprinz: yes?????

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: I thought it was just an aesthetic thing 😂

Goldilocks: alskdjaskljd

Bitchcraft: ah yes, constantly toting his little spider sisters around… for the aesthetic

Bitchcraft: produces web from his hands. for the aesthetic.

Bitchcraft: is literally venomous for the aesthetic

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: okay okay laugh it up you bully /j

CrystalGemile: what sort of things do you usually make V?

spinnenprinz: gifts, mostly

CrystalGemile: I meant like which kind of thing, embroidery or weaving or knitting…?

spinnenprinz: oh i see

spinnenprinz: well

  
  


_spinnenprinz_ is typing…

 _spinnenprinz_ is typing…

  
  


Kaiserroll: uuuh hello

  
  


_spinnenprinz_ is typing…

  
  


spinnenprinz: probably embroidery most often but that’s just because i usually embroider all my clothes eventually because i get bored. most of the stuff i weave is satin or mousseline or velvet or sometimes taffeta but taffeta isn’t aways the most comfortable fabric right up against the skin so i usually only use it for decorations. plain knitting is easiest especially if i use my thickest silk so more common gifts are usually that but i’m almost always working on something nicer like pointelle or knitted lace or silk brocade.

spinnenprinz: *always

illsleepwhenimdead: wow

Kaiserroll: holy shit

CrystalGemile: wow you know so much about fabric and knitting! Thats super impressive!

  
  


_spinnenprinz_ is typing…

  
  


spinnenprinz: thank you

Goldilocks: awwwwwww you made him BLUSHYYYYYYYYY

spinnenprinz: pat pls

Goldilocks: thats my smart handsome fiber crafting partner right there!!! look at him go!!!

Bitchcraft: oh are we sniping our dearest stormcloud?

Kaiserroll: and here we are again in sap town WHEN WILL I KNOW PEACE

Bitchcraft: @spinnenprinz I treasure every gift you’ve given me but not as much as I treasure you

Berry: @spinnenprinz 💜💚💙💜💚💙💜💚💙

ImCorbieUnfortunately: I gotta say that really is genuinely super cool v

ImCorbieUnfortunately: I wouldn’t even know the difference between knitted or tatted (conjugation?) lace

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: and you just know all of it because youre spidery?

spinnenprinz: yes.

spinnenprinz: i mean, i wasn’t always as good at it as i am now but its all just webs

Kaiserroll: wait so if ur a spider whats L?

  
  


_Berry_ and _spinnenprinz_ are typing…

  
  


Berry: A green man.

spinnenprinz: a flower

Berry: ????????

spinnenprinz: ??? i mean. you’re not *wrong* but i’ve always thought of you as specifically a flower more than just a green man in general

Bug: makes sense to me

Berry: The four of you and the flower thing, goodness gracious.

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: oh yeah ive seen that a couple times

CrystalGemile: flower thing??

Berry: Don’t you dare.

Bug: berry grows flowers based on his mood

Goldilocks: we have a chart

CrystalGemile: ! Thats ADORABLE

Berry: Why do I even try?

illsleepwhenimdead: 👀 a chart you say

Berry: Do not.

  
  


_Bitchcraft_ sent a photo to the group chat

  
  


Berry: Ah yes, “send the chart,” that is precisely what I said. /s

illsleepwhenimdead: why is there a super long section just titled “sappy” ?

Goldilocks: he’s got lots of sappy flowers, we’re still not quite sure what the exact difference is

ImCorbieUnfortunately: crocus is just labeled “Thomas”

Bug: some of them he only makes around specific people. Momma and Dad get queen annes lace

spinnenprinz: and i get red catchfly

Bitchcraft: edelweiss for me

Goldilocks: and he makes larkspur around me!

illsleepwhenimdead: well now im getting all jealous L how come I don’t get a special flower?

Berry: While I have gotten the involuntary aspect of the flowers’ appearances down to a minimum and can summon a number of them on purpose I still have little idea why certain emotions or situations are assigned certain flowers.

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: well *i* think its cute

CrystalGemile: oooooh I have an idea!

Kaiserroll: oh no

CrystalGemile: ok so if V is a spider and Logan’s a flower if you were a good neighbor what would you be?

Bitchcraft: a cat, obviously

illsleepwhenimdead: cop out! youre already like, part cat-ish

ImCorbieUnfortunately: still not sure I buy that your cats a familiar

Bitchcraft: youll buy that im dating the lord of the forest and a changeling and that pat was blessed by a fairy godmother but me being a witch is where you draw the line?

  
  


_ImCorbieUnfortunately_ is typing…

  
  


ImCorbieUnfortunately: okay… fair

illsleepwhenimdead: I am 100% certain that Dizzy is not a normal cat, normal cats don’t visibly roll their eyes or audibly mock you in cat meows after you speak

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: also fair

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: and I think I’d probably be a deer

illsleepwhenimdead: if there are gemstone fae thats what emmy is

CrystalGemile: akdjlakjsdkj

illsleepwhenimdead: and I dunno maybe ??? sloth for me lol

illsleepwhenimdead: or a bear, thatd be cool

Bitchcraft: Patton would be a songbird.

Goldilocks: 😊

ImCorbieUnfortunately: can I be a tree?

Bitchcraft: sure, theres tons of tree nymphs. what kind of tree?

ImCorbieUnfortunately: maple I think

kleinespinne: I’d probably be some kind of ferret

Bug: a cricket 🦗

Bug: @Kaiserroll what about you

Kaiserroll: video games

Bug: ALKSJSDAKLJ

Bug: Kai theres no such thing as video game fairies 😂

Kaiserroll: bet

Kaiserroll: and at least im not a fucking furry like the rest of u

illsleepwhenimdead: RUDE

ImCorbieUnfortunately: im a tree and ems a rock we’re guiltless

spinnenprinz: what’s a furry?

  
  


_Several people_ are typing…

  
  


Kaiserroll: three words, one hit KO

ImCorbieUnfortunately: are you familiar with the concept of catgirls

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: have you seen king kong yet?

Berry: A furry is a person with an interest in anthropomorphic animals. They often have “fursonas” which is a representation of them as an animal.

  
  


_spinnenprinz_ is typing…

  
  


spinnenprinz: so like a familiar?

Kaiserroll: @Bitchcraft how does it feel to be murdered by ur own partner?

Bitchcraft: No, babe.

CrystalGemile: I mean she is cat-you right?

Bitchcraft: she is a cat who is a part of me but she is not cat-me and more importantly she’s not anthropomorphic she’s very much physically all cat.

ImCorbieUnfortunately: I mean, rem did say she does stuff cats don’t do, like roll her eyes

Bitchcraft: Dizzy is NOT a fursona

illsleepwhenimdead: the most basic definition of a fursona is “an animal representation of a person” so like, hate to break it to ya gage, but she literally is

Bitchcraft: the metaphysical relationship between a witch and familiar is the dwelling of a single soul in two physical forms, it the most magically intimate relationship two beings can have and takes literal years to develop into a fully mature bond and you water it down to FURSONA?

Bitchcraft: the AUDACITY???

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: witches assigned furry at birth

Bitchcraft: we get our familiars during puberty and *im not a furry*

kleinespinne: Im sorry if this ruins the joke but I kinda genuinely want to hear more about familiars that all sounds really cool

kleinespinne: can you read each others minds?

Bitchcraft: only when I’m asleep and she’s awake, and we can’t talk I can only see whatever she sees.

Bitchcraft: mamaw and jax are better at it.

ImCorbieUnfortunately: are you telling me the BUZZARD is your scary old lady granny’s all seeing eyes in the sky vulture???

Bitchcraft: I am telling you exactly that.

Bitchcraft: no one knows more gossip than my mamaw and you absolutely SHOULD fear her power.

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: completed step 1

Bitchcraft: also literally what else on the planet would have been her familiar? I know you’ve met jax, he’s clearly not a normal turkey vulture

ImCorbieUnfortunately: I don’t normally think of HUGE ASS CARRION BIRDS when I think of witch familiars

Bitchcraft: because you are an expert on the subject, obviously /s

spinnenprinz: excuse me, if you’re not afraid of me anymore you’re not allowed to be afraid of *oma*

spinnenprinz: who is mortal and fragile as spun glass

Berry: Oh really? Well, if you don’t find Nana frightening I suppose there would be no reason I shouldn’t tell her that you just called her fragile.

  
  


_spinnenprinz_ is typing…

  
  


spinnenprinz: don’t do that

  
  


_Several people_ are typing…

  
  


Kaiserroll: BUUUURN

ImCorbieUnfortunately: amazing

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: welcome to the scared of old ladies club we have t-shirts /j

Bitchcraft: it’s okay babe im scared of your mom too.

ImCorbieUnfortunately: isnt v’s mom a county-sized eldritch horror creature??? These Are Not The Same

spinnenprinz: hey, you’ll hurt her feelings /j

  
  


_Several people_ are typing…

  
  


ImCorbieUnfortunately: my sincerest apologies /s

illsleepwhenimdead: god can you imagine

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: ngl my whole insides just shriveled up in terror at the concept of hurting your mom’s feelings

illsleepwhenimdead: how would you even APOLOGIZE?

illsleepwhenimdead: flowers???

illsleepwhenimdead: what do you get for the eldritch being who has everything /j

spinnenprinz: she likes deer

Kaiserroll: let me guess, u don’t mean as pets

spinnenprinz: unfortunately no

kleinespinne: I mean I like deer too? Makes better tacos than beef I think

ImCorbieUnfortunately: we’re hillbillies elliot, we all like deer

illsleepwhenimdead: I mean yeah but I’m still never gonna forget the time Roman invited me over and his grandma offered me squirrel soup.

ImCorbieUnfortunately: how do you even shoot a squirrel??? wouldn’t it just explode

Bitchcraft: I don’t shoot them, I use a slingshot with lead balls

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: alksjlaksjd you WHAT

Kaiserroll: Corbin: we’re hillbillies

Kaiserroll: Roman: u are like a little baby, watch this *kills squirrels like a caveman*

Bitchcraft: I am being persecuted today apparently /lh

spinnenprinz: at least it doesn’t fill the meat with little tiny bits of *lead*, the first time i bit into one of those things it was like getting a mallet to the temple

kleinespinne: oof yeah biting down on buckshot absolutely sucks

Berry: I would rather eat salt than bite down on buckshot.

Kaiserroll: no tone tag?????

Berry: Biting down on buckshot is a sensory nightmare whose aftereffects persist for hours, the microcuts in my mouth from salt last perhaps twenty minutes and the upset stomach is negligible.

spinnenprinz: it’s a terrible way to hunt.

illsleepwhenimdead: and what do you suggest exactly?

spinnenprinz: throwing knives, obviously

spinnenprinz: or just my hands.

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: im YELLING

ImCorbieUnfortunately: Kai: Roman’s the most hillbilly

ImCorbieUnfortunately: V: tremble ye mighty and despair

kleinespinne: really we’re going with “bruderspinne is the biggest hillbilly in the gc” ?

Kaiserroll: if the shoe fits

spinnenprinz: you broke pat

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: oh do share

  
  


_spinnenprinz_ sent a photo to the group chat

  
  


Bitchcraft: babe are you crying???

Goldilocks: im SORRY I just CNAT handle “v’s the biggest hillbillu’ I cant BREATHE im losing my MIND

Bug: wow you really DID break patton 😂

illsleepwhenimdead: okay so a breakdown of V vs Roman hillbilliness

CrystalGemile: im waiting with baited breath!!

Bitchcraft: this is ridiculous

  
  


_illsleepwhenimdead_ is typing…

 _illsleepwhenimdead_ is typing…

  
  


illsleepwhenimdead: V - pros: lives in a cave, catches animals with his bare hands, hermit, has never been to public school. Cons: no hillbilly accent, is a prince which is inherently too fancy for hillbillyness. Roman – pros: lives in a cabin in the woods, kills animals with slingshots, technically has a hillbilly accent, knows how to use a shotgun, owns a jean jacket. Cons: pretentious, pretends he doesn’t have an accent so you only hear it when he’s out of it and otherwise he sounds like a shakespeare wannabe, is a knight which is also too fancy for hillbillyness

illsleepwhenimdead: vote now on your phones

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: V’s hillbilly traits are more impressive but roman has more of them and fewer cons so I’m gonna say Roman’s the most hillbilly.

ImCorbieUnfortunately: seconded

Kaiserroll: roman for me too

CrystalGemile: yep

kleinespinne: I vote for bruderspinne out of loyalty

Bug: gonna say roman yeah

illsleepwhenimdead: @Berry @Goldilocks

Berry: even if both Patton and I vote for V, Roman wins, so what is the point in voting?

Kaiserroll: u just don’t wanna pick between ur datemates

spinnenprinz: I don’t think pat’s gonna be able to vote, he’s face down in the bed laughing so hard he’s wheezing

spinnenprinz: he might need his inhaler tbh

illsleepwhenimdead: alright I’ll let you two off

illsleepwhenimdead: congratulations, @Bitchcraft, you’ve been crowned king of the hillbillies

Bitchcraft: I’d like to thank the academy and also mamaw for setting 8yo me lose with an iron knife to chase the gnomes out of the vegetable garden, without whom I would not be the man I am today

CrystalGemile: EIGHT???

Bitchcraft: I was a precocious child and mamaw believes in free range parenting

CrystalGemile: oh my goodness I am now so anxious on behalf of baby past roman

Bitchcraft: I mean obviously baby past me lived.

kleinespinne: my parents won’t even let me have a pocket knife

illsleepwhenimdead: all in favor of giving baby gay a knife say aye, aye

  
  


_Several people_ are typing…

  
  


ImCorbieUnfortunately: aye

IfLostReturnToCorbie<3: aye

CrystalGemile: aye

Kaiserroll: aye

kleinespinne: YALL

Bug: aye!!!

Goldilocks: it’s important to be able to defend yourself elliot!

Berry: aye

Bitchcraft: I’ll be home in like an hour come over and I can give you one and start your lessons

spinnenprinz: already on my way to their house

Bitchcraft: oh that works too

kleinespinne: I Don’t Need A Knife

illsleepwhenimdead: idk if you noticed kid but youve been thoroughly outvoted.

kleinespinne: youre all insane

kleinespinne: (💜)

**Author's Note:**

> You can also find me over at [@tulipscomeinallsortsofcolor](tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors.tumblr.com) on tumblr!


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